“Put on the full armor of God [for His precepts are like the splendid armor of a heavily-armed soldier], so that you may be able to [successfully] stand up against all the schemes and the strategies and the deceits of the devil.”

You never know when certain truths will blindside you, knock you on your butt, and leave you feeling like you’ve been reduced to shards of shattered glass. If you’ve ever seen glass fall onto a hard surface and break, you probably have a solid understanding of what I mean. Shattered glass can be simultaneously beautiful and lethal, the pieces glittering in the light, throwing tiny rainbows all around the room.

However, if you’ve ever had to pick up the pieces, you’ve probably experienced the hot slice and sting of one of the deadly edges across your fingertips. Those cuts can be insanely deep and take a long time to heal. One of my husband’s favorite sayings is from a meme he saw somewhere that says, “If you never heal from what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.”

Yesterday, I had a day that was filled with an astounding array of emotions. It was a roller coaster ride fit for the biggest amusement park on the planet. The day began with sunrise coffee on the beach with my extraordinary nieces. This is something we’ve done here and there ever since we all moved close to the ocean. It’s always a very special time. We talk, drink coffee, and take pictures of the horizon as it moves through the beautiful color changes that come as night gives way to the day. Yesterday, however, Mother Nature had one of her menopausal hormone shifts, and the warmth dropped into cold and extra breezy.

We could have seen this as a major disruption of our plans, but instead it was a delightful comedy of errors filled with fits of giggles, hastily snapped photos, sand in our coffees, and selfies of us in all our wind blown, rolled out of bed glory. But beyond all of that, it was just pure love. It was the God-given filling of my cup I needed to help me walk through the rest of the day ahead. You see, the time had come for us to gather as family and friends to pay tribute to the beautiful soul who departed this world not too long ago.

I thought I was prepared for the memorial service, but apparently I overestimated my state of mind. As I sat there listening to the beautiful music and heartfelt words about that very special lady, my mind was inundated with thoughts of my mom’s passing eleven months ago, and it was heartbreaking to realize that so few people were aware of the beautiful heart she had. She got lost on a dark path that brought her life to an end much sooner than her loving heart deserved. She passed away suddenly more than 3500 miles from where I live, and her service was held just a couple of days later right before her cremation. I wasn’t there for her.

As my mind filled with the things my mother missed out on, I was hit by the memories of my grandmother’s service about seven months before my mom’s, then my grandfather’s service six months before hers. I sat in the sanctuary of the church I’ve grown to love, surrounded by people who have become my family and whom I’ve grown to love as such in a very short time, sinking under the weight of grief. It felt as though my mind was being peppered by buckshot from a 12-gauge shotgun. There I sat, tears streaming down my cheeks, feeling like shattered glass.

I have many walls up in my heart, and even more have gone up over the last four or five months. I am in the process of learning what it means to truly trust God, especially in the face of intense heartache and pain. It’s not an easy thing to learn, and even though I can say that I trust Him completely, which I have learned that I do, it doesn’t automatically erase the heartache. It just means I’m aware He is walking me through it, which means I will survive it.

I am so blessed to have a loving husband at my side and we are walking through our struggles and joys together. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know God will be at the core of it. I will continue to pray for the one thing I desire most in this life, and I trust that God will grant that prayer in His way and in His time.

“The Lord is near to the heartbroken and He saves those who are crushed in spirit (contrite in heart, truly sorry for their sin). Many hardships and perplexing circumstances confront the righteous, but the Lord rescues him from them all.” Psalm 34:18-19 AMP

Be careful with those you love, and forgive them if they are bleeding on you, even though you aren’t the one who cut them. And if you did cut them, ask forgiveness, and do what you can to help them heal, choosing to love them as they work their way through the pain.