Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. (Yoda/Star Wars)

How much time do we spend feeling fearful? How often do our fears lead us towards the dark side? God is always in the light, which is why Satan always uses what we fear to chase us into the darkness. We fear being hurt, whether by consequences of our own choices, or at the hands of someone we love and trust.

Experiencing loss and deep seated pain leaves a mark in our hearts. We can feel so desperate to avoid that pain again that we find ourselves withdrawing from the world and the people we love most. We begin to embrace the darkness because we fear there is pain in the light.

I know that God brings blessings to our lives, and He does so by nudging us in the direction that will bring those blessings our way. I struggle with my own self worth a great deal. God has given me many beautiful gifts over the last couple of years, but I’ve also experienced some of the deepest and most intense pain I’ve ever known during that time. In the midst of the darkest days, God provided light and He provided what I needed to move forward through yet another day.

In the last year I’ve worked with some very different patient populations than I have in the rest of my nursing career. I’ve worked with oncology patients, dementia patients, and for a short time, Hospice patients. Each area was very difficult for me, though each for different reasons. But, in each situation, God provided beautiful souls who made that part of the journey manageable. Those souls have my deepest gratitude.

Now I face returning to an old life in a different capacity than when I was last a part of it. What I know is that I’m returning to a work family I already love very much, and in that blessing I take solace. I still have fears at what lay ahead, but not so many that I’m afraid to walk into the light.

No, the paralyzing fears I have now stem from previously experienced pain that was essentially self-inflicted. When we make a choice, even though we may not understand the gravity of that choice, and extraordinary pain comes as a result of that choice…well, it’s like handing the enemy a sledge hammer to use against our hearts and minds. I’m trying to figure out how to take the sledge hammer back from him and leave it behind where it belongs: in the past. How blessed I am to have a husband who sees my truth and understands it.

I’ve not been able to discuss this in the way I need to… and I’ve allowed it to become an open door for the one who wishes to destroy my faith. I’ve been buying into the lies that tell me I’m not wanted unless I’m needed. The lies that tell me I’m just a hassle or a weight others have to carry. The lies that say I’m just a place holder for things and people who really matter.

I know God is trying to show me a different way, but it’s harder to find courage to walk out of the darkness than it would seem. On the advice of my wonderful husband, I’m writing again. May God show mercy to all those fighting to move out of darkness and into the light. May we learn to trust and forgive, love without fear, and walk into the arms of God, not away from them.

“BE ANGRY [at sin—at immorality, at injustice, at ungodly behavior], YET DO NOT SIN; do not let your anger [cause you shame, nor allow it to] last until the sun goes down. And do not give the devil an opportunity [to lead you into sin by holding a grudge, or nurturing anger, or harboring resentment, or cultivating bitterness].”

‭‭EPHESIANS‬ ‭4:26-27‬ ‭AMP‬‬