“Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a right and steadfast spirit within me.” Psalms 51:10

This particular scripture has been weighing very heavily on my heart the last several days. Not because of the current pandemic situation (though I do have my own thoughts on that, of course), but because I have an awareness of the state of my own heart. My husband and I recently went on a cruise in the Western Caribbean, as I’ve previously discussed, and we got home about five seconds before they began shutting down and cancelling most recreational travel. That cruise was a stunningly impactful experience. Never in my life have I been so completely and consistently at peace. The photos above are from our excursion in Roatan, Honduras. I should specify that sloths, Capuchin monkeys, and dolphins, are my three most favorite creatures in the world (house pets aside, of course)!

Though that was certainly an amazing collection of major bucket list biggies, it wasn’t what made the trip so incredible. I believe it all boils down to the state of absolute acceptance of every single moment. I never fought anything that came my way. If negative thoughts arose, I somehow found myself able to allow them to simply fall away. If plans changed (we were unable to dock in Costa Maya, Mexico due to high winds and rough seas, so we got an extra day at sea in exchange) or I began to feel a little queasy from the very noticeable rocking of the ship, I was able to choose to not give irritation or anxiety time at the forefront of my mind. It was an unprecedented time of peace and calm for both me and my husband.

That sense of calm initially stayed with me upon returning home to regular life. Then, of course, the dizziness and resulting motion sickness arrived, while simultaneously Satan began to really hammer hard at my heart and mind. He’s been continuing to do so incessantly ever since. He fills my mind with fearful and angry thoughts, and I’ve done such a poor job at allowing God to take control of the battle, my spirit is covered in the residue of bitterness.

My sister believes I have a good and pure heart. Heaven knows I’d love for that to be true. I certainly have a heart that wants very much to be good and pure, however I know all too well that the human condition doesn’t allow for such a thing in this life. That doesn’t mean I think I’m a bad person or that I’m full of an evil nature. It just means that I’m as vulnerable to anger and bitterness as anyone else when I feel hurt or disappointed. It means that I need to put my focus back on allowing the spirit of Christ to rule my heart, and not the thoughts and emotions being stirred up by the enemy.

What I have to remember is that I am only responsible for my own reaction to the circumstances in front of me. At present, our servers are down and none of us are able to log on and get to work. As a nurse, even one who works from a desk, I feel a sense of responsibility to do the best I can for the patients under my care, whether I am wiping their behind or reviewing their medical records. That being said, I understand that it’s completely out of my control, so I’m using this time to write and focus on God instead of worrying about what I am not able to be doing for work.

I choose how I react when I’m faced with situations where a person’s words and actions don’t match up, or I’m not getting what I want/think I need, or I begin to fear what might happen in this situation or that one. I am the only one who can choose to act according to what I want to give and not what I am getting. I am the only one who can choose to be at peace and trust that what I have is all that I need, and if I need it, God will make sure I get it in one form or another. I am the only one who can think, speak, and act according to what is actually in front of me and not what my fears try to predict for the future.

My prayer this morning, and every morning, is that God will help take hold of my heart and help cleanse my spirit of the bitterness that has taken hold of it. My prayer is that I can go back to that place where I am content living in the moment God has given me, and am staying focused on living my life (inside and out) in the Spirit of Christ, whose life, love, and sacrifice set me free. The love of God, the gift of life, and the blessing of time in fellowship with those we love…those are the spoons full of sugar to help cut the bitterness of life.